Butterflies and Good-byes - By god must be atheist

I protest the wife having to do all the work, while the guy who seems to be responsible for the mess is just sitting there, consorting with random butterflies. And how a Monarch found its way to clearly not Earth, and I have to wonder what planet the FoshSar warriors are invading, and whether the humans had a right to it in the first place. Nitpicking, kind of: put it down to the Prime Directive.

Otherwise, it's a pretty good micro story.

It's very likeable, but I had the same problems with it as Vera. I suspect that the setting or background could have been conveyed more adequately by removing all the unnecessary words and adding some exposition. For a micro-story it's quite inefficient.

For example, "I messed up. I messed up big time" could be replaced with "I messed up big", and "I sat on a rock on a mound" could be replaced with "I sat on a rock" (why mention a mound?). And then "I just sat there on the rock" is unnecessary. And so on.

But as I say I did like it, and I think the writing is transparent and flowing.

Reply to Vera Mont I thought it was Earth... the Monarch butterfly is most likely indigenous only to Earth. Maybe. And humans were battling the invading warriors... invading means incoming.

I admit, these are conjectures. And it could have been on any other inhabitable planet, where Monarch butterflies had been transplanted into.

I agree that the woman ought not to have been doing all the work alone. But come to think of it, the guy was emotionally and mentally drained. A mere butterfly almost gave him a total mental breakdown. He is not in a state to do any work. In my sphere of limited experience, in most relationships when one is weakened or incapacitated, the other picks up the load.

Quoting god must be atheist

And it could have been on any other inhabitable planet, where Monarch butterflies had been transplanted into

More likely. Monarchs are going extinct on Earth. And we hardly ever have blood-red sky on Earth, and when we do, we don't consider it gorgeous; we're scared out of our boots. And just where are they going in that hastily-assembled escape rocket?
It's a good story. My issues with it are my problem, not the author's.

Reply to Vera Mont You're right. A blood-red sky on Earth is unlikely. And if it happened, it would be scary. Very scary. Unless it's happened during a sunrise or a sunset.

Butterflies and Good-byes

Butterflies are one of nature's beautiful delights. Who doesn't like to watch and wonder?
The amazing lightness of wings; the patterns of colour. How long do they settle or live for?
The Good-byes come too soon as they flutterby.

Other 'Good-byes' for humans can be painful. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Or we might look forward - until we meet again. Au revoir.

Quoting Caldwell

I messed up. I messed up big time.

I sat on a rock on a mound near our hastily put-together spaceship. Above my head, on a stand, a sniper gun was rotating, its trigger set for detecting any movement except those which we programmed it to ignore. Down in the valley my wife was packing guns, ammunition and supplies into the spaceship.

A confession of a big mistake. How major and what implications follow?
The setting reminds me of a Philip K. Dick story I listened to, a while ago. Can't recall the details.
The couple are getting ready to leave. To say, "Good-bye" - moving on, to where?
To go boldly (or otherwise) where no man/woman has been before?
The man apparently traumatised by events, the woman getting on with things...I'm asuming 'wife' means female and of the same species but then again...

Quoting Caldwell

I was exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained. I had led a human army against the invader FoshSar warriors, and we got annihilated. I could barely save my own ass.

A battle to the end but for what and why? To defend a planet (and its inhabitants?) against a fiercesome enemy. Humans against relentless machines?

Quoting Caldwell

... A Monarch butterfly flew by and it landed to rest awhile on my right hand. I burst out in an uncontrollable sob.

The lightest of touches; a royal kiss from a beautiful being. Tipping point. The significance.

Quoting Caldwell

When I calmed down again, I just sat there on the rock, feeling the warm evening breeze on my face. I watched my wife under the gorgeous blood-red sky, relentlessly hauling weapons, ammunition and supplies, one load after another, into the escape rocket ship we had hastily put together.

A feeling of peace after the war. A healing time. An awesome re-awareness.
Before they fly away. Flutter-byes.
I hope the DIY job is up to it...

***
Well done to the author. Now, I'm racking my brain as to what story it reminds me of.
I like it. Thank you :sparkle:

Quoting Caldwell

I sat on a rock on a mound near our hastily put-together spaceship.

Quoting Caldwell

into the escape rocket ship we had hastily put together

I like stories that have repetition at the beginning and end. Gives a semblance of importance through reiteration, a technique often used in poetry.

So I analyse these two lines for Importance.

"Hastily-put-together" seems to be a theme running throughout the whole story. The rush to get packed and go, the army - which sounds like it was a bit of a shoddy job, a poorly devised defence. A mess.

"spaceship" verses "escape rocket".

Spaceship gives me "discovery", "endurance", "new frontiers", "hope and promise".
Escape rocket gives me. "I messed up. I messed up bug time. Fuck. Let's get outta this shambles."

The before and after.

The monarch butterfly is a symbol I think that "life goes on" blissfully unaware of the hastily out together shambolic enterprise that these people tried and failed to carry out. And that may be why seeing this simple, organic, effortless flight of something peaceful and beautiful, made the protagonist cry.

Also, man, I know your tired but help your wife! Haha

Thanks to all critics; I read and took note of all the suggestions for improvement. I also enjoyed the positive, complimenting critiques.
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