Level - By Noble Dust
Don usually walked quickly with his hands jammed in his pockets and his head down. His dad always said Dons walk reminded him of his own father. Gramps had died of alcoholism. Tonight as he walked home, Don found himself walking slowly, arms swaying rhythmically, head level. For once he took in his surroundings. Work had caged him in today, and he needed air.
He noticed how streetlights reflect at unsymmetrical angles on the road when its slick with the days recent rain. The air was tight with humidity; as he finished his cigarette he noticed his breath was still visible in the warm air. As he neared the quieter part of town, he noticed the click-clack of his oxfords, shoes he didnt normally wear. His usual pair of cheap tennis shoes was at the cobbler because of an accident.
As he basked in this newfound awareness, the uncertain light above The Sink Holes door flashed in front of him. As he walked up, the peppy chatter and the sweet smell of beer-soaked floors wafted towards him, but for the first time in his life his senses reeled. He walked on.
He noticed how streetlights reflect at unsymmetrical angles on the road when its slick with the days recent rain. The air was tight with humidity; as he finished his cigarette he noticed his breath was still visible in the warm air. As he neared the quieter part of town, he noticed the click-clack of his oxfords, shoes he didnt normally wear. His usual pair of cheap tennis shoes was at the cobbler because of an accident.
As he basked in this newfound awareness, the uncertain light above The Sink Holes door flashed in front of him. As he walked up, the peppy chatter and the sweet smell of beer-soaked floors wafted towards him, but for the first time in his life his senses reeled. He walked on.
Comments (34)
But then, some jarring elements:
Quoting Caldwell
But there is no indication that anything significant happened at work. No reason for the change.
and
Quoting Caldwell
Makes no sense. What is a cobbler - supposing one even can be found anymore - to make of cheap tennis shoes? And what accident?
and finally
Quoting Caldwell
Why? No explanation.
For me, it didn't hold together as a story.
Not at all! I actually liked most of them, so far. Some reservations, some quibbles, some suggestions for improvement - but that doesn't mean I don't like them; it just means that once you've been an editor, you can't turn it off.
I didn't vote on this one, because I consider it incomplete. What's your reason?
Anyway, I appreciate and enjoy a variety of creative fiction - but not uncritically.
Good to know your view on the quality of the submissions etc. but this is a distraction from the story.
This feedback would be better appreciated in the main thread, I think.
https://thephilosophyforum.com/discussion/13698/short-story-4-micro-fiction/p4
Sorry - unnecessarily defensive?
Simple and short title.
Level: flat, balanced, calm and steady. Honest and frank. Level-headed. A stage in a progress.
A sense that Don is straightening up in different ways. His head up from its usual down position.
Hands out and swinging in a new rhythm.
Perhaps reflecting a change of mood or attitude.
The significance of how we walk through life, reflecting on past family history. How we might be the same or different from a paternal line, given circumstances. History of alcoholism and how repeated patterns can bring us down.
Post-work activities; a relief from stress.
Don's work feels like a prison; now walking home free, appreciative and breathing in the outside air.
What has changed?
A lovely description as he observes the reflections and angles of the lights on the slick road.
Quoting Caldwell
Intriguing. Why would he have bought oxfords - to impress a new friend? Or maybe he wanted a different look and picked them up cheap at a charity shop.
How 'cheap' were his tennis shoes with regard to quality?
Tennis shoes are sturdier than in previous times with limited choice, they were light and made of canvas. Now, there are apparently 15 different types, of varying quality and cost. The prestige, or otherwise of labels. Perhaps they were knock-offs...
Don's were worth paying a cobbler to fix.
We wonder what kind of accident. Perhaps down to his previous walking style...who knows...
He approaches what sounds like his local pub with 'uncertain light'. He is feeling happy.
Will he be tempted in to join his old friends?
No. He felt nausea and walked past.
Is he receiving therapy for his alcoholism? A stage in progress.
A new man becoming. More level-headed, physically and mentally.
***
I like this story. It made me think, feel and question. Good descriptions.
Thanks, author!
No. You're quite right to defend yourself against unwarranted criticism.
I've enjoyed all your input. It's been helpful and thought-provoking.
I just wanted to point out that, even as I talk, we're getting away from the story.
And your very welcome general feedback would be seen better in the main thread.
Enough already. Time for me to :zip: it.
Thank you for being a consistent and valuable contributor :up: :sparkle:
I took the ending to be implying that Don decided to break the cycle and avoid the trap of alcohol. The story could be an account of Don's first moment of a new life.
But I don't understand the significance of the title and I can't get over the thought of taking cheap tennis shoes to a cobbler. Do people do that?
I haven't been to a cobbler since one of them mutilated my chelsea boots in 2010.
Oh, poor you and poor chelsea boots. The cobbler took a dislike to them :worry:
See my comments about relative types and quality. It must be worth it or this guy wouldn't have done it. For goodness sake :roll:
I bet most people might not even know what a cobbler is.
Until now. When poverty is rising, people are making do and mending...
Quoting Jamal
Quoting Caldwell
Yes, but I didn't understand how someone's breath would be visible in warm air?
:lol: While you wait carry-outs. Cheerful and cheap precision. There's always an interesting smell...
No, stop it. We're rambling... :naughty:
One thing which I find interesting about this story is its title, which may involve 'level' or balance in various ways and how it may even relate to levels of experience and consciousness in the altered states of alcohol intoxication. But, I don't wish to get too carried away...The story, as it is, gives a descriptive picture of a character, and works in doing so.
My only real issue with this story is the missing fulcrum. What did he want? What changed? Why?
I don't know what happened. Maybe, if he usually walked only on short errands and this was the first time he ever took a long walk and took the time to notice things... everything would just click into place and it would be a very good story.
The fulcrum is not missing. It's just not visible.
Think of a see-saw.
Don was down (and out) reflected in posture and walk, due to alcoholism.
Now he seems to be level. Apparently, as a desire to improve.
His burdens became less. He lightened up. He is on a different level but that could change.
Perhaps a playmate arrived on the scene and plonked themselves down at the other end.
Perhaps he joined AA. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Perhaps he was struck by a bolt of lightning from God. Shoes ruined.
Circumstances change. The ups and downs of life. You know it.
Have I persuaded you yet? Not all stories are neatly packaged and tied up in a shiny, red bow.
Yes, each word must count. It's been a revelation. I thought they would be simpler and quicker to read. Not so.
So much unpacking...it takes time. Headachy fun.
I've known alcoholism, close up and personal. It doesn't just lift for no reason; it doesn't just level off when somebody takes a walk. I don't think Don is an alcoholic; I think he liked a drink, and having had it in the family, he was resigned/afraid that it was his fate also. And that's why he'd been marching around, in a hurry, hiding his hands in case they're shaking - anxious. This is the evening he's no even tempted to enter the bar; the evening he realizes that he has a choice.
That's great. And an excellent subject for a very short story. It's good that the reader isn't subjected to all the misery that accompanies the borderline addict's actual struggle - it's not trivial, but makes tedious reading.
But I think its takes an event, a change, a shock, a revelation, falling off the donkey in a fit of sand-blindness - something - to affect such a change in attitude.
Not all stories, no. But this one has the bow just kind of stuck on top. Because it's a character-development story, without at least a hint at the cause, an epiphany is not believable.
Quoting Vera Mont
That is not what is suggested.
What we have is a snapshot of an ongoing process.
We are not privy to what motivated the change. Perhaps the accident.
But what we also have are different interpretations. That's fair enough.
Can't wait to get feedback from the author!
The mere fact that the story has stimulated different reactions and ways of looking means that it has worked. Congrats again!
I read that British soldiers wore red socks because the nails in their boots pushed up into their feet and caused them to bleed, so they wore red socks to conceal the blood stains.
That's just an interesting factoid about shoes I thought I'd share.
The story otherwise was good. I do feel like some of the objections I raise are sniper shots at small details, but I think that's more likely to happen in these (very) short stories, where each detail is expected to have significance.
What I find interesting - the replacements he wears while his tennis shoes are being repaired/cleaned.
Oxfords; the soles making a click-clack sound.
Did he know this when he bought them or is he only now aware. Did he want to stand out from the crowd or is he desperate for the return of his cheap, designer knock-offs?
Perhaps the trauma of their ruination is whot caused him to swear off alcohol?
A post-boozer losing all sense and control of bladder; dizziness making him vomit.
Pee and puke; waking up to a pool of that and maybe more.
And all over his pride and joy shoes!
Don't people judge you by what you wear? How much self-esteem is involved in appearance?
Do shoes maketh the man?
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! ? Billy Connolly
That's what I said. Sometimes it feels like you dont read all of my posts.
It's part of a complex mind control thing I do where I read other's opinions, pretend I didn't, then repeat them as my own, which endears me to them and opens them up to all sorts of manipulation. However, in this case it backfired to where you read me as ignoring you, resulting in a bitter resentment, so my only recourse was to expose my misdeed and ask for forgiveness, but with my attention span being as it is, entirely forgot to ask.
Quoting Hanover
Clever clogs!
Inflation in a cost of living crisis means that people look twice or thrice at the price.
Value for money is important. What used to be taken for granted is now a rare treat.
M(Eat)or heat is a real question.
That reminded me of Rabbie Burns' Selkirk Grace:
Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
It forms the chorus of a song written by Ian Walker, who explains, 'This song was provoked on hearing that we spend billions of pounds each year in Britain advertising food.
For song and lyrics:
https://www.scotslanguage.com/articles/node/id/404
***
Finally, as previously mentioned, even if Don's tennis shoes are relatively 'cheap', it must be worth it to him to get them cleaned or maintained. What is it about them that he values?
What does the cobbler charge? Nit-picky things to consider? Perhaps. We can ask the author about the significance when words limited.
Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
? Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levelling-up_policy_of_the_British_government
Thanks for the comments @Amity @Vera Mont @Jamal @Jack Cummins @Bitter Crank and @Hanover.
Like many or most of us, I did this quickly and felt it all came together fine, but of course if I had slept on it (as I was trying to convince myself to do), I would have hopefully edited out some of the awkward bits.
As to having cheap tennis shoes repaired, I'm picking up a pair of my own from the "shoe guy" on Monday. :razz: As @Jamal mentioned, perhaps part of an urban lifestyle. Also, though, I guess in the US (or at least the Midwest where I was born) tennis shoes is sort of a blanket term. I used the term with the pair of my own in mind, which are this modern hybrid shoe somewhere between a dress shoe and a tennis shoe, like these.
Maybe "sneakers" would have been the right word.
As far as the accident involving the shoes, I imagined something related to a drunken incident, but that was clearly too weak of a suggestion or idea. I would remove that in an edit.
Have you never worked a desk job or retail job and felt mentally imprisoned by your environment? The fact that nothing significant has happened often triggers the feeling.
Quoting Vera Mont
My goal was to shown why, rather than to tell. I think Amity picked up on it. His change in posture opened up something in his consciousness, and suddenly the call of the tavern was off-putting rather than enticing. In my own experience of unhealthy or unnatural cravings, when some experience suddenly puts me in a different frame of mind, the bad habit can suddenly be seen for what it is. Only momentarily. I suppose I probably didn't do a good enough job trying to create this situation. Word limit and all that.
Thanks for your criticisms, Vera! My brother is an agent-signed novelist looking to get published, so I'm used to the pointed feedback. :wink:
Open to interpretation, but my intent, as I tried to explain to Vera above, was more just an experience that unexpectedly jolts us out of our normal patterns of life, including our unhealthy patterns (drinking too much in Don's case). I imagine him on the road to alcoholism. I don't know where he'll end up. This isn't necessarily a watershed moment for him. it's just a sliver of his life, encompassing maybe 10 minutes at most. I was trying to embrace the "micro" format. Thanks as always @Amity! Your comments are always relished.
:razz: I'll pretend this was intentional.
Quoting Jamal
Eh, not a great title. I truly don't like titles. In my musical life I loath titling songs and releases, except when the title is obvious or comes spontaneously.
@Jack Cummins nailed the title; see his comment:
Quoting Jack Cummins
"Level" also references his eyesight, which is usually downcast.
I agree; the errors are much more glaring. More of a comment for the main thread, but with these tiny stories I liked most of them, didn't like a few, but didn't love any of them, unlike with the normal length stories. And it was also harder to pick out who wrote what. It's a fascinating exercise on many levels (ba-dum-tish).