Death by Chocolate - By Hanover
I laid curled in the attic, controlling the sound of my breathing, listening to the police radios chirping below me, thinking to myself, there might have a been a better way to go about this.
Its just that he wouldnt stop talking. I could listen no longer.
Fuck, I thought to myself, did I remember to clean the drill bit. Its those little details always getting me in trouble.
The warm sun shone through the rafters, and I thought about how I wanted a cup of hot chocolate. Fuck! I thought to myself, did I remember to clean the drill bit.
I heard nearby footsteps, the chirps growing louder. I had only a sharp pointed spoon in my pocket with dried chocolate pudding on it.
A flashlight beam darted about and then directly on me, followed by the scurry of feet and the door slamming behind me. Now left wondering what to do now that theyve seen me.
I jumped up to run for my freedom, only to be met with a crushing tackle. I forced the spoon to my tongue ever so quickly, to once last taste the chocolate sweetness.
Its just that he wouldnt stop talking. I could listen no longer.
Fuck, I thought to myself, did I remember to clean the drill bit. Its those little details always getting me in trouble.
The warm sun shone through the rafters, and I thought about how I wanted a cup of hot chocolate. Fuck! I thought to myself, did I remember to clean the drill bit.
I heard nearby footsteps, the chirps growing louder. I had only a sharp pointed spoon in my pocket with dried chocolate pudding on it.
A flashlight beam darted about and then directly on me, followed by the scurry of feet and the door slamming behind me. Now left wondering what to do now that theyve seen me.
I jumped up to run for my freedom, only to be met with a crushing tackle. I forced the spoon to my tongue ever so quickly, to once last taste the chocolate sweetness.
Comments (20)
I don't know if one of the objectives of the author is representing a soliloquy or mental disorder. Both of them are very good shown. One aspect that impressed me the most is the feeling of how the protagonist would end up falling off the roof.
In the last paragraph, says: "I jumped up to run for my freedom" which it means that he wanted suicide since the beginning. Furthermore, he connected the death act with a sweet/childhood memory: the taste of chocolate.
Good one, congratulations to the author.
A promising story. I like the suspenseful progression -- going back to the memory of that chocolate sensation.
Well, there are worse ways to go, I suppose.
But whose death?
I like the opening sentence with the funny fuck-too-late thought of "there might have been a better way to go about this" as the protagonist hides from the police.
What is the 'this' referred to and what was the action taken?
Someone (male) wouldn't stop talking and this seems to have caused some irritation.
More self-talking and reflecting on past and present deeds concerning a drill.
What was it for? Killing? Escaping or entering?
The importance of its cleaning. Of what? Blood and gore?
Amusing: the repeated "Fuck!" - forensic anxiety linked to the need for hot chocolate.
Nevertheless, appreciating the moment; the feel and the look of sunshine through the rafters.
Reminiscent of rays of light through prison bars?
Real or imagined. Prisoners of our thoughts.
The mind can be a dark place but with space for light to enter.
The prisoner hides with spoon in pocket.
Previously used to eat chocolate pudding but sharply-pointed. Watch your tongue.
Was it the killing tool?
More light shining. This time police flashing torches. Caught by the light.
Interesting description of sounds: chirping and scurrying, like birds or mice in the attic.
Intrusive chasing of thoughts.
A failed attempt to escape.
But never mind.
Sharp spoon and chocolate employed.
Death by Chocolate.
Had the protagonist killed the man for it or... was the 'he' actually himself?
The mind and body demanding their cravings to be satisfied...
Obsessive thoughts and anxieties. A chocoholic.
Dead to anything else. Caged. Lacking in freedom.
God, he's not a dentist, is he? The drill :scream: The irony :lol:
Quoting Caldwell
***
Quoting javi2541997
Thanks for shining that light :sparkle:
It helped me read the story again.
Congrats, author, most enjoyable! Yum :cool:
Now, where did I hide that bar of chocolate :chin:
Thank you for all your effort on the analysis inside each short story. I also want to help but I am not as good as you!
Keep on it :sparkle:
It's clear that you have great insight, mostly :wink: And you kick things off, good-style.
It's a joint effort. Don't you love the sparky interactions.
Exploring the meaning of each story needs help from friends. Thanks everybody :clap:
Keep on it, you too! I wouldn't be able to do this in Spanish, for sure!
:up: :sparkle:
I enjoy writing and debating in short story. I feel my imagination is flourishing :flower: :lol:
Good questions :up:
I think we assumed from this:
Quoting Caldwell
But if we think of whose death it is, perhaps it is the death of his internal clamouring, the 'he'?
A tongue cut by chocolate might not want the taste again.
Aversion therapy :chin:
Oh look who's overthinking again :roll:
He's lying curled in the attic, thinking:
Quoting Caldwell
The 'this' is self-treatment for chocoholism.
He's going cold-turkey :cool:
Author, if I'm right you are brilliant, even if I'm wrong :wink:
Yes, I was wondering about that too. Two sharp objects potentially fatal -- after all, he jumped and got tackled. Woooo! :worry:
I guess Bad news sells/ tends to get peoples attention more than good news. This trend in the microfictions must be a ode to the negative bias of mass media. Or maybe we are just hardwired evolutionarily to focus more on/identify threatening or sinister plots.
Again, good points. There was quite an overload at the start as I recall.
It was a little depressing. I asked for something non-violent :pray:
Thankfully, brighter ones have come along to counteract the darkness... :halo:
The news is overwhelmingly full of the bad and people buy it.
The good is seen as boring and not entertaining enough.
Leaders have to be exciting and charismatic - even if we all go to hell :rage:
Best stop my ranting. I'm here to lower my BP not have a bleedin' stroke...
In a way that's a promising thing as it means "Good" is the status quo. Imagine in the news headlines: "Yet another day where no one was stabbed", "still no extreme storms", in other news "Democracy remains healthy."
If we lived in a world where chaos and bad shit and hell predominated, then the news headlines would be "Safe haven found! Seek refuge at...." because murder would be as common as water it's not worth reporting.
However I dare say we may be going off track with the story so we may open a separate thread on that later. :)
Quoting Amity
Yes please don't stroke out on us.
Quoting Benj96
Only with my pen :wink:
Good! I'd have it no other way :)
:grin:
Comedy is hard.
I noticed that as well. I think you are correct that there is a tendency to seek shock and "newsworthyness", as a way to stand out perhaps and attract attention.
Ironically, if we all write gore, dark texts, then the only pieces standing out will be the positive ones...
Another factor could be the "no porn" rule, explicitly stated, which may deter from writing about human love and sex.
The same cause has had this effect on movies and TV series: with sex banned (or almost) violence remains as the only shocker one can use to attract viewers, and so it becomes overused. The screen is splattered in blood, nice enough folks get cut in pieces faster than you can count, but the gods of Hollywood forbid that you see one single nipple.
Quoting Benj96
It's funny because my intent was not darkness, but the opposite in the way @praxis interpreted it.
The guy was entirely fucked up, from being a wanted man for some deranged drill bit related crime, to now being arrested and having lost his freedom, and in a moment of now experiencing the consequences of a life all fucked up, he finds and lives in that isolated moment of happiness.
Anyway, whether I got anywhere close to that, that was the aim. Quoting Daniel
I sharpened the spoon to create the option for the protagonist to choose between fighting or something else. He used his weapon for its sweetness, to have that moment, as opposed to spending his last moment of freedom in struggle.
Quoting javi2541997
I thought this was an interesting suggestion, that the man was suicidal. I see that, but I envisioned him so beyond normal that he was actually the opposite, living in the perfect moment, damn the torpedoes.
Thanks for all this feedback!
Quoting Hanover
That's exactly what I thought, first time round honest, guv :wink:
And then I had to give it my own sweet twist :roll:
Here's to living in the moment. That should be enough without looking for trouble where none exists.
Well done :sparkle: