Cruelty - By ToothyMaw
It is on a hot summer day she shuts herself in her room and retrieves her fathers knife from the drawer. He once used it to whittle her figurines of famous mathematicians.
It reminds her of better times, of late nights spent studying the stars, of wondering what might be discovered in the inscrutable equations he would scribble in his notebooks. Felicitations.
And also the fits. The screaming, the paranoia, that same knife held to her mothers throat.
She cuts herself. She drags that dull blade across her flesh until the sun goes down. Then she keeps going. The blade becomes so caked with blood she washes the dried blood off with fresh, wet blood. Suddenly, it is over.
She cries. But her reason is clear - an epiphany:
She wants to dance.
She slips out into the moonlight, barefoot and sorrowful. Her clumsy feet find purchase on the hard earth as she dances. It is an inelegant, incandescent performance, although perhaps better than could be expected from a gauche physicist.
Yet it is also perfect; cruelty finds no fault.
She knows she cant make it right, so she rearranges the equation; she lives for herself.. .
It reminds her of better times, of late nights spent studying the stars, of wondering what might be discovered in the inscrutable equations he would scribble in his notebooks. Felicitations.
And also the fits. The screaming, the paranoia, that same knife held to her mothers throat.
She cuts herself. She drags that dull blade across her flesh until the sun goes down. Then she keeps going. The blade becomes so caked with blood she washes the dried blood off with fresh, wet blood. Suddenly, it is over.
She cries. But her reason is clear - an epiphany:
She wants to dance.
She slips out into the moonlight, barefoot and sorrowful. Her clumsy feet find purchase on the hard earth as she dances. It is an inelegant, incandescent performance, although perhaps better than could be expected from a gauche physicist.
Yet it is also perfect; cruelty finds no fault.
She knows she cant make it right, so she rearranges the equation; she lives for herself.. .
Comments (14)
I love this. On a re-read to better appreciate.
Quoting Benkei
Oh. That's such a pity. You don't like having to use your imagination to fill in any gaps?
Quoting Tobias
Self-mutilation. It might be a regular occurrence but not sure that it works to a time-table.
But I know what you mean.
Still, a story doesn't know when it is going to be read by sensitive souls on a day of rest, or whatever.
Why go down on Cruelty if you're not attracted on a certain day?
Do other days suit you better?
It's not heavy-handed at all. There is a fine balance. I love the whole process.
But I don't know how or where to begin to respond.
As yet.
I use my imagination all the time, which is where I imagine this story to be better. If there isn't even a suggestion of a connection it's basically a deus ex machina.
No...
Quoting Caldwell
I think it is this line. As if one can just rearrange the equation and start to 'live for oneself'... It is a neo-liberal mantra, but for me rather vacuous.
I know you do. I've read your stories :smile:
Where do you imagine things could be better in the story?
What would it take without spelling it out and creating a spoiler?
You don't like the blunt reality of mental or physical suffering/abuse in stories?
Quoting Caldwell
Quoting Tobias
I don't think that it is as easy as that. She sees things/life in mathematical terms or models.
The equations hark back to times with her father; the good memories and then perhaps his own mental problems. Not clear as yet.
I don't know what you mean by 'neo-liberal'.
And it isn't a mantra. It's a statement.
Quoting Caldwell
That's about moving on after difficult times.
What is vacuous about that?
For me, this story is deep, light and puzzling.
I understand that it will not be to everyone's taste.
You don't like the blunt reality of mental or physical suffering/abuse in stories?
Amity
No, they can be very effective in stories I think. I do not especially like them or mind them. Also I know how heavy mental illness is. Here we actually see too much, there is too little to guess. We see her trauma and we see what caused it, the abuse with the very same knife. melodramatic. The paint, for me, is applied too thickly.
I don't think that it is as easy as that. She sees things/life in mathematical terms or models.
The equations hark back to times with her father; the good memories and then perhaps his own mental problems. Not clear as yet.
Amity
I like that part of the story. I think the idea of a physicist seeing things in life as equations is strong.
I don't know what you mean by 'neo-liberal'.
And it isn't a mantra. It's a statement.
[...] ;she lives for herself...
Caldwell
That's about moving on after difficult times.
What is vacuous about that?
Amity
It is not a statement, it is a commercial slogan. It belongs on the same tile as "success is a choice". As a statement it is cliché, the meaning is so trite we do not even bother to read the exact words. However, when dissected, it becomes clear what it means. 'To live for yourself' means choosing yourself over others. It is the self-help equivalent of making America great again. Letting your own interests prevail over those of others is good, 'greed is good' as Gordon Gekko put. That is the link with neo-liberalism. At least, that is what the use of these words tell me.
What is it? Who dispenses it, and why?
Just some of the questions arising...
The protagonist is without a name. Depersonalisation. Let's call her Lola, short for Dolores (sorrows).
The first two paragraphs. Two lines each. Sheer poetry.
She shuts herself away on a hot summer day. We can imagine behind dark curtains; hiding in her room.
To do what with a knife?
Her father's whittling knife which once gifted her wooden figures of her Mathematician idols. Pleasure.
Happy times as a child of curiosity. Looking out of her same dark room but open to the skies and bright stars; a delightful study. Lola wondered about her father's discoveries as he tried to work things out, mathematically. (a professional astronomer or obsessive fan?)
Perhaps like John Nash 'A Beautiful Mind' - a genius with schizophrenia or v.v.?
A single word: 'Felicitations' - the final word in the second paragraph.
Like a greeting - Congratulations. Or wishes for happiness.
***
Wishes soon dashed. The transformation from happy to unhappy. Cruelty. Pain.
Quoting Caldwell
Fits. Epilepsy? Sudden bouts or bursts of behaviour. Both?
Cruelty comes in different shapes and sizes. Degrees and duration of harm.
To/from others or oneself.
Who wields the knife? The first cut is the deepest. The shock of first cruelty.
Lola's mother is a victim - did she survive the paranoid attack? By her husband or daughter?
Both victims of a cruel disharmony of mind. We don't know.
Back to the room where Lola self-harms with that same knife.
The words used by the author, unlike the knife, are so sharp. Not dulled by frequent use.
The cruel episode dragged out over a seeming eternity. From pre-dawn until midnight.
She has done this before. She washes dried blood away with the fresh wetness of more.
The cuts and warm, flowing blood make her feel alive; a release from a dead, flat affect.
The cruel cold objectivity from a distance hurts.
And then the self-harm stops. Suddenly.
Is this the usual release from pain or a sudden realisation; she now has control.
First tears fall. Not in pain but pleasure at an epiphany. An unexpected turn of events. In her story.
In this story called 'Cruelty'.
***
A single stand out sentence.
She wants to dance.
Wants: no sense of obligation to live up to imposed standards; self-realisation.
To dance: [s]childlike[/s] no, it's 'sorrowful' - in the light of the moon and the stars.
Grief; sorry for the loss of happiness in the intervening years. No mention of parents.
Now feels free from constraints.
To be on her own terms; to dance first, think later.
Feeling emotion and slow rhythm in the zone. Bare feet meets hard earth; a grounded connection.
We enter into the realms of magical transformation. The witching hour.
Still a bit clumsy, finding her feet, but 'incandescent' - strong emotion - elements of hope and anger?
What kind of performance... is this an act or a real movement?
A cold or 'wooden' physicist freed; the perfect figurine dances to a new tune.
Is this disharmony turned to harmony or the beauty of nature with all its flaws and faults.
***
Perfect in another sense.
'Cruelty finds no fault'
She, her name was 'Cruelty', discovers a new perfect imperfection.
***
The Conclusion
Quoting Caldwell
What can't she make right? Life? The past, present and future.
Previous calculations of control have not worked to empower happiness.
To maximise joy and minimise suffering, she has to think again.
To move from pain to pleasure and a mix of both.
There can be no set equation or prescription for an ideal state of happiness.
Even if we knew what that would look like.
But perhaps Lola is now Harmonia. Trying to reach that balance of body, mind and soul. With Love.
She lives for herself...
Not in a selfish way but in a self-caring way. No self-harm. Be kind to yourself.
If you can't love yourself, how can you love others?
Be aware of Cruelty and its dispensation to self, others and the world at large.
The final ellipsis...
3 horizontal dots. Significance?
A trailing off to an uncertain future...the wondering continues.
***
Wow. What a story, what a life. The hopeful overcoming of cruelty.
The cruelties of nature and humans will persist; it is how we manage them that counts.
"First do no harm".
"Felicitations!" To an amazing, sensitive and powerful writer :sparkle:
Hypovolemia maybe? Blood loss leading to hypoxia and delirium? A euphoria. That would be the lacklustre, plain and medical explanation.
On the opposite hand perhaps she had a moment of pure clarity. After all she was being cruel to herself because she took on board the toxicity and hardship of the past.
Not entertaining that clear "cause-effect" connection between past trauma and the self administered trauma of present, being in denial, she likely has no ability to control the impulse to harm herself. She doesn't know where it comes from.
She cannot isolate it, and therefore how could she ever rid of it from herself.
The breakthrough is the self reflection regarding the knife. What it symbolises through time. From "joy" at the beginning to "fear/threat/anguish" in middle to "sorrow and a need for self control" as she harms herself.
Thinking about all that joins the dots and suddenly the woman has self awareness regarding where her negativity and compulsion for cruelty (to herself) comes from.
Eureka.
An epiphany. Released from denial, she assumes the knowledge and thus control to stop letting it fester in her.
So in the end it comes full circle back to joy. She wants to dance it out.