Buried Treasure - By Noble Dust

Quoting Caldwell

“Juvenile sparrow, maybe.”

I'm guessing a juvenile sparrow's head is less than half an inch. :smile:
Buried treasure, indeed.

:up:

My suspension of disbelief was broken by the doubt that someone called to dinner from afar would accurately recognize a juvenile sparrow skull.

Quoting Caldwell

I'm guessing a juvenile sparrow's head is less than half an inch.

An inch or so, and i doubt they could tell a juvenile from an adult or a sparrow from a finch at first glance. It doesn't matter: they're children, not archeologists.
What made this otherwise charming story problematic for me was the inappropriate use of several words and phrases. It would have worked better in a simpler, more childlike telling.

Reply to praxis City boy. :joke:

I really like this one. Definitely a favourite. There's an irresistible spirit of adventure and discovery. It's well-written and evocative but it's light and enjoyable (these are good things in my book, not in any way trivial or shallow as some might infer).

I have some small criticisms. I was tripped up at the beginning:

Quoting Caldwell

“Lorena, look what I found!”

She glances up and sees Henry waiving from his dig.

Maybe it's just me but I didn't know who "she" was, so I was immediately confused. The person who just spoke or someone else? It would be better with "Lorena" in place of "She," in my opinion. Of course, it's obvious now, but that moment of confusion was a bad start for me.

I particularly like the central passage that describes Lorena's running to join Henry. It's really great. The only thing I didn't get at first was this:

Quoting Caldwell

She leaps over with somber respect.

But reading it again I now see it, and it's very well observed. It's that exaggerated, almost affected childlike care. But I don't know about somber; maybe solemn would be better. But even then ... a solemn leap?

Quoting Caldwell

“Juvenile sparrow, maybe.”

This didn't sit with how I imagined Lorena would speak.

Quoting Caldwell

A new emotion swells in her chest.

This isn't a criticism, but I'm not sure what this emotion is, maybe because I'm slow on the uptake. Anyway, I'm happy for it to have been left open; I'm still digesting it.

This should get more upvotes. I regret to say that I voted "It's okay," and I apologize for that. I was in a bad mood, half asleep and trigger-happy.

:clap:

Reply to Caldwell
It is a very descriptive piece, conjuring up the sensory appreciation of nature which may become lost in the mundane day to day existence and experience of adult life.

Rooting around the yard and yanking out carcasses of dead birds is troubling, not endearing. That's what I thought. I mean maybe my cat would bring that home, but when you guys were kids, did you gather up dead shit from the yard?

Reply to Hanover Yes.

Reply to Hanover Yes, and it introduced me to the cycle of nature, which, as we all know, continues.

The repetition of pronouns in those very short sentences (she, she, her) gets in the way a bit. I think I counted 15 pronouns in the third paragraph. A bit excessive maybe which can encumber the flow. The paragraph also feels a bit disjointed in a way... Lorena is excited by the Henry's discovery but is somewhat distracted on the way. I think the distractions should work before Henry's announcement, after which Lorena snaps into focus with buried treasure on her mind.

I liked the stream of situational time dimensional consciousness from the narrator's part. Every moment was nicely described.

Quoting Jamal

Yes, and it introduced me to the cycle of nature, which, as we all know, continues.

My dog brought me a dead possum that I slung in a shovel over the fence. That's what normal people do, as opposed to holding it and talking about it.

Maybe the possum was playing possum come to think of it. It might have died of slinging injuries and not Fred bites, but, either way, the appropriate response was to get it away from me. The same holds true of all waste.

Reply to Hanover Decomposing bodies, sure. But a skull, that's like finding a sea shell or something.

Quoting Jamal

But a skull, that's like finding a sea shell or something.

Fair, but I've always maintained a strict distinction in the way I treat the exoskeletons of invertebrates (I collect them) versus the way I treat the endoskeletons of vertebrates (I sling them), but I don't judge others who might vary.

Reply to Hanover Admirable, if somewhat arbitrary.

Whether it’s exo or endo, what matters to me is how clean it is. Rotting flesh is a big no-no.

One time, I found a spectacular sheep’s skull in the Highlands. Big curly horns. I regretted not bringing it home. I’ve talked about it before on the forum; the same old stuff comes around every few years.

Quoting Jamal

One time, I found a spectacular sheep’s skull in the Highlands. Big curly horns. I regretted not bringing it home. I’ve talked about it before on the forum; the same old stuff comes around every few years.

Had you brought it home, you'd just be telling us the story about how you threw it out later.

Quoting Vera Mont

An inch or so, and i doubt they could tell a juvenile from an adult or a sparrow from a finch at first glance. It doesn't matter: they're children, not archeologists.

Good point. There's inquisitiveness that's naturally children, then there's inquisitiveness of an expert. Innocent curiosity should be revisited for this kind of story. Nonetheless, it's finding excitement in seemingly mundane things that would never be felt again by adults.

Quoting Jamal

But a skull, that's like finding a sea shell or something.

When a thread has been Hanoverized, it sounds like this. Look at all his comments.

Quoting Jamal

There's an irresistible spirit of adventure and discovery. It's well-written and evocative but it's light and enjoyable (these are good things in my book, not in any way trivial or shallow as some might infer).

Copy that.
I enjoyed the paragraph ending:
Quoting Caldwell

As she passes, she sees order within the chaos of countless ant paths and errands. A conveyor belt carries in two dead flies.

More treasure found in the cooperative conveyor belt; no chaos in the world of countless ants.
Lorena full of action and spirit. Henry the careful archaeologist. Both sharing their excitement.
In awesome wonder. And then there's dinner. Magical world.

I did wonder at:
Quoting Caldwell

Wordlessly, they stand up and trot home.

It made me think of little puppies...

Edit: @Jamal see my underline. Who here do you think might find this 'trivial or shallow' and why would you think so?

Quoting praxis

My suspension of disbelief was broken by the doubt that someone called to dinner from afar would accurately recognize a juvenile sparrow skull.

I might have been able to at that age. :smile:

Quoting Vera Mont

What made this otherwise charming story problematic for me was the inappropriate use of several words and phrases. It would have worked better in a simpler, more childlike telling.

Fair enough; I would appreciate any specifics. It wasn't designed to be a children's story; just a story about children.

Quoting Jamal

There's an irresistible spirit of adventure and discovery. It's well-written and evocative but it's light and enjoyable (these are good things in my book, not in any way trivial or shallow as some might infer).

:pray:

Quoting Jamal

But I don't know about somber; maybe solemn would be better. But even then ... a solemn leap?

Solemn would be better, yes. Thanks. But I suppose any dancer would have no problem describing a leap with a specific feeling like "somber", but what do I know.

Quoting Jamal

This didn't sit with how I imagined Lorena would speak.

Fair enough, but I imagined Lorena to be a bit precocious, although I guess I ran out of words to make her seem that way, except for here. I was hoping her specific prognosis here would sufficiently suggest her as being so.

Quoting Jamal

I'm not sure what this emotion is,

I'm not sure either. :razz:

One thing I tried to suggest was an evolution of her run across the yard as she sees the world full of life around her, to a subtle apprehension from life to death, and it's cycle. The "solemn" respect towards the friendship rock (I thought of the intensity of childhood friendship pacts and the like, and how serious and real they seemed) moving into noticing the ants who have killed two flies for dinner, and finally the discovery by two children of a juvenile bird skull. I probably tried to do too much in too little of a space. The "new emotion" for Lorena is probably something akin to a first grasp of the cycle of birth and death; there's maybe an implicit realization that an animal could die before reaching adulthood. I tried to imagine a child's reaction to this. She and Henry are perhaps a bit mystified. Maybe a seminal shift in childhood consciousness. But again, probably too "profound" or just too much to try to fit into 200 words.

Quoting Nils Loc

The repetition of pronouns in those very short sentences (she, she, her) gets in the way a bit.

I worried about this, but was trying to focus on action verbs here. My initial draft was way less direct, so when I edited I tried to keep to a simple present tense with the goal of making her run across the yard more visceral. But I know what you mean.

Quoting Nils Loc

Lorena is excited by the Henry's discovery but is somewhat distracted on the way.

Again, I can see how it can be read that way. I imagined her not being distracted, just being so "in the moment" as children are (if you remember...) in order to highlight a childlike perspective. If you re-read, I hope you might notice that despite how much she sees around her in her environment, she maintains a very focused journey to where Henry is waiting with his discovery. I tried to paint a picture of her being hyperaware of her surroundings but also focused on her mission.

Quoting Caldwell

Nonetheless, it's finding excitement in seemingly mundane things that would never be felt again by adults.

:up:

Reply to Amity

:pray: Thank you as always.

One interesting note about these 200 world micro stories is the question of just what exactly to say in a limited medium. For my two entries, this and "Level", I found myself focused on describing mere seconds or minutes worth of the passage of time. I found this challenge to be really fascinating and found that it grabbed my imagination a lot more than trying to write a "longer form" piece in 200 words. I'm not saying I succeeded or other writers didn't succeed with "longer form" ideas, but I did notice that a lot of stories had a sort of "gotcha" ending where in the last sentence some unexpected element of the story was suddenly revealed. I found that describing a really brief period of time didn't allow for this type of reveal, although both of my stories did have reveals of sorts. Anyway, as an amateur fiction writer, I found this to be a really fascinating exercise, and it forced me to write differently than I normally would. Kudos to @Caldwell once again.

Quoting Noble Dust

Fair enough; I would appreciate any specifics. It wasn't designed to be a children's story; just a story about children

I understand that. I mean that in describing how a child feels, it's more convincing to tell it from the inside than the outside. For example Quoting Caldwell

somber respect.

is not an emotion a six-year-old could recognize. She avoids stepping on it because it has some significance? Nor would she use a phrase like "juvenile sparrow". Not sure what she would say beyond identifying the species, which would be precocious enough.
I found a couple of other oddities jarring:
Quoting Caldwell

She falters but keeps pace.

This appears a contradiction. She falters, then recovers and keeps running.
I don't know what
Quoting Caldwell

dire speed

is and I doubt Lorena would either.

This is a trivial criticism of a charming story, but with only 200 words at the author's disposal, each one stands out. Words are my stock in trade; I cherish them the way Aunt Clara does her doorknobs. I like to see them deployed and displayed to their best advantage.

Quoting Vera Mont

somber respect.
— Caldwell
is not an emotion a six-year-old could recognize. She avoids stepping on it because it has some significance?

This is very good feedback, thank you. If I'm getting nit-picky, I imagine the two of them around the 10-11 year old range. This may or may not be important. And again, switching to Jamal's "solemn", I find this plausible in a 10-year-old's brain. I remember feeling that these "friendship pacts" felt like life or death things; of course they weren't, but in our 10 year old minds they indeed were. I was trying to convey that, and appear to have failed. All good.

Quoting Vera Mont

I found a couple of other oddities jarring:
She falters

"Falter" is defined as to "start to lose strength or momentum", so I think that she falters but then keeps pace is correct.

Quoting Vera Mont

And I don't know what
dire speed
— Caldwell
is.

Dire: extremely urgent or serious.

Dire speed: extremely urgent or serious speed.

Quoting Noble Dust

Falter" is defined as to "start to lose strength or momentum", so I think that she falters but then keeps pace is correct.

Nit-pickingly, no. There was no "then" in the original Quoting Caldwell

She falters but keeps pace.

and resume is not the same as keep. Besides which "to keep pace" usually refers to matching the speed of something or someone else.

As for the solemnity, I do understand the feeling, but still found the words odd.

Quoting Noble Dust

Dire: extremely urgent or serious.

Yes. Henry is not screaming or bleeding; he just found something interesting.

These words are not incorrect or wrong; they're mere mind-snags. They prompt the reader to think "Uh, what?" and disrupt the flow of images.

Quoting Noble Dust

The "new emotion" for Lorena is probably something akin to a first grasp of the cycle of birth and death

Yes. I said I didn’t know what the emotion was but I did think it had something to do with that.

Quoting Vera Mont

They prompt the reader to think "Uh, what?" and disrupt the flow of images.

There was no disruption in the flow of images for this reader. None whatsoever.

Quoting Vera Mont

Words are my stock in trade; I cherish them the way Aunt Clara does her doorknobs. I like to see them deployed and displayed to their best advantage.

You speak as if words are less important to the author. This is not the case. The words are carefully chosen. Noble Dust succeeded in streaming this piece of childhood adventure. An exciting expedition and exploration.

Quoting Noble Dust

"Falter" is defined as to "start to lose strength or momentum", so I think that she falters but then keeps pace is correct.

I agree. It is in keeping with her sprint being paused when blinded by the sun, but this doesn't stop her.
A brief stumble cannot stop the momentum. In fact, it adds to the imagery of childhood clumsiness, the tendency to rush and fall in play. This passage thrills with the mix of agility and intelligent awareness:

Quoting Caldwell

As she sprints, she spies a bumble bee and nimbly sidesteps its path. The pollen fills her head. Her eyes dart back to Henry. She hears a crow caw to its mate in the oak overhead. She looks up and is blinded by late afternoon sun. She falters but keeps pace. Her chest thrills with the life around her.

@Jack Cummins sums it up:
Quoting Jack Cummins

It is a very descriptive piece, conjuring up the sensory appreciation of nature which may become lost in the mundane day to day existence and experience of adult life.

There is a sense of the surreal; a mix of fact and fantasy. All senses filled. Otherworldliness almost.

Re: the criticism of 'with dire speed jumps':

Quoting Caldwell

As Lorena clears the final distance, she hears “Henry, Lor, dinner!” and with dire speed jumps and collapses in front of Henry.

Quoting Vera Mont

Yes. Henry is not screaming or bleeding; he just found something interesting.

You've taken it out of context or is that how you read it? With mind snagged.
It relates to Lorena who is responding to the urgent call to dinner.
Her awareness is heightened. The destination and discovery within grasp.
It's vitally important to her that she gets there.

Quoting Caldwell

A new emotion swells in her chest. Henry looks at her. Wordlessly, they stand up and trot home.

What they find together is not just a small bird's skull but they share a 'new emotion'.
It leaves them speechless but there is a sixth sense; telepathy.

***

Quoting Noble Dust

For my two entries, this and "Level", I found myself focused on describing mere seconds or minutes worth of the passage of time. I found this challenge to be really fascinating and found that it grabbed my imagination a lot more than trying to write a "longer form" piece in 200 words [...]
Anyway, as an amateur fiction writer, I found this to be a really fascinating exercise, and it forced me to write differently than I normally would. Kudos to Caldwell once again.

Really appreciate this sharing of how you met the challenge as set by Caldwell.
Kudos to you both :sparkle:

Quoting Caldwell

dire speed

I can see how this might be jarring, but I like it. A word that would have the same striking effect and the same meaning is grim. Dire is better though.

Quoting Nils Loc

The repetition of pronouns

Quoting Noble Dust

I worried about this

It’s interesting. The first time I read it I might have been a bit put off by it, but when I really got into it on the second read, I didn’t even notice the pronouns, and that section became my favourite part. Sometimes you have to get used to an author’s style.

Quoting Amity

Who here do you think might find this 'trivial or shallow' and why would you think so?

I didn’t see this question before. I think there is a popular belief that meaningful art has to be heavy, philosophical, and difficult. People foolishly look down their noses at things that are light and enjoyable, as if they thereby exclude complexity and insight.

Note, in case anyone gets the wrong impression: I did not say that anyone would think this story was trivial or shallow.

Quoting Jamal

People foolishly look down their noses at things that are light and enjoyable, as if they thereby exclude complexity and insight.

Yes. For me, I read, watch and listen to lighter stories to ease my mind.
The same story or poem can be read/enjoyed at different times and levels of intensity or challenge.

Away from this forum, I don't analyse stories so deeply. Here, I expect some kind of meaning or trickiness in the short stories submitted. I've never been disappointed, even if I am often quite wide of the mark.
All good, creative fun.
Thanks to you and all the team :100:

@Vera Mont re: word choices, as someone with a songwriting and poetry background rather than a fiction background, I like to play with words and use them in ways that excite me and ignite my imagination. Whether or not this works in fiction is up for debate, to be sure, and I'm certainly no master; not even a practitioner.

But on a philosophical level, I'm strongly of the belief that words are constantly evolving and changing in meaning. Definitions are polaroids at best; "meaning is use" and all that. This means that overly pedantic readings of word usage are inherently mistaken. There is of course a play to it; usage needs to be somewhere in the ballpark of collectively understood meaning. But as such, I'm still very pleased with "dire speed". I would happily use the same phrase again in a different context.

Quoting Noble Dust

Definitions are polaroids at best; "meaning is use" and all that. This means that overly pedantic readings of word usage are inherently mistaken.

Okay. But I don't hold out much hope for communication.

@Vera Mont Thinking "aloud" some more here, I think I would equate "dire speed" to my comnents on a "solemn leap" (using Jamal's better adjective). A skilled dancer is capable of evoking an emotion through their leap. Someone running might equally evoke an observer to see something "dire" in how they run. This pedantry on word usage smacks to me of an ironic lack of imagination (I don't mean to attack you, I'm just thinking through this). And going back to poetry and the evolution of the meanings of words, I do think poetic usage is exactly the vehicle through which the meanings of words evolve. Creative usage drives language, I think.

Quoting Noble Dust

This pedantry on word usage smacks to me of an ironic lack of imagination (I don't mean to attack you, I'm just thinking through this).

I don't take it as an attack. I can see how the use of language is changing in public and political and economic discourse. As long as somebody understands you, you're fine. I can live with my lack of imagination.

Reply to Vera Mont

Communication requires an understanding of how words are being used, but the idea of unchanging dictionary definitions of words is certainly not the salve to communication problems.

Quoting Caldwell

She leaps over with somber respect.

This one was indeed a bit confusing as I expected her to stand still for a moment but she doesn't, kind of by implication from "somber". I also wonder if it's the most appropriate feeling for a friendship rock at that age. Love, companionship, yearning for that friend, come more readily to mind. Respect seems a more mature reaction especially when solemn/somber.

Quoting Caldwell

with dire speed jumps

This totally worked for me though. I remember running as a kid at speeds I couldn't keep up. When you're running downhill, for instance, and don't put on any brakes.

I interpreted the story as a picture of the wild abandonment of children to experience and wonder and really liked it.

Okay country boyz, what's the bird...

Reply to praxis Hm, looks familiar.

Well? @Benkei @Noble Dust

Reply to praxis

That's an American robin, Turdus migratorius.

Reply to Nils Loc

Ah, very good, country boyi.

Reply to praxis

Sorry, I cheated by using a reverse image search. :groan:

Reply to Nils Loc :rage:

Reply to praxis That bird isn't even native to the Netherlands! Any way, I just thought your comment about disbelief reflected your background instead of an issue with the story. I mean if it's about what we think is possible, then what about Peter Pan? Matilda? The BFG? I can see two farm kids (8-10 years old, where I had these two pegged) being able to do this, just like half of 4 year old boys can name all the dinosaurs.

That said, bird skulls are difficult to distinguish but if you already have several for comparison it becomes a lot easier.

Reply to Benkei

Very well, a native Netherlander bird...



And don't bother trying to cheat again, Loco, the link will not help.

Quoting praxis

And don't bother trying to cheat again, Loco, the link will not help.

Best get the skull from different angles then.

Reply to Nils Loc

Oh, I thought you simply followed the link. Apparently, you utilize some other method.

Reply to praxis I have no clue. Could be a strandplevier, so a beach plover in English but the socket's arch is relatively high.

The Netherlands has 500 different birds but only a little over 200 are actually seen each year when people count birds. Magpies, raven and seagulls is what you'll usually find.

Edit: I forgot the rat on wings aka pigeon.

Okay, I'm impressed. :clap:

Kentish Plover