Hurting those that hurt you
A friend is often considered someone you have an established rapport and trust with. From that comes natural social expectations - behaviours in line with your empathy and care for them, and vice versa. Like being there when they are upset, listening, supporting them, helping solve their problems when consulted and thus a friendship gains strength from this mutual action. "I got you, you got me, we're in this toghether."
So when a kink arises in this dynamic, which do happen on occasion, like being excluded from something you thought a friend would want to share with you, feelings of hurt and betrayal set in. You can feel sad, frustrated or angry about it, usually a combination. And the diminishing trust and seed of doubt is the worst part.
In that case you're faced with a conflict between your own ego and self respect and theirs.
Is it okay to inflict negative feelings on them because they did it to you? Like guilt, judgement and shame. Criticism. Disapproval.
It doesn't feel right to inflict that on someone, to drag them down to your level of anguish, but it also doesn't feel right ignoring your own needs, invalidating your own feelings as secondary to theirs. You are trying to exert self respect, one's voice, one's power/value, without damaging theirs.
Is it justice to hurt those you care about just because they did it to you first? Should you be a device of punishment when you feel its justified? Or should one turn the other cheek? Ignore the disappointment knowing that people are flawed and that's just life. Is it okay to give people karma directly rather then wondering if it will ever come to them indirectly.
Lastly, are feelings of regret, shame and guilt in reaction to a conflict not proof that they care about you? One would imagine if they didn't, they wouldn't give a sh*t or it would exacerbate the rift between you. So it seems that conflict can both derail a friendship but can also paradoxically strengthen it depending on the outcome and how you navigate it.
Is it healthy to butt heads from time to time to re-establish mutual balance?
So when a kink arises in this dynamic, which do happen on occasion, like being excluded from something you thought a friend would want to share with you, feelings of hurt and betrayal set in. You can feel sad, frustrated or angry about it, usually a combination. And the diminishing trust and seed of doubt is the worst part.
In that case you're faced with a conflict between your own ego and self respect and theirs.
Is it okay to inflict negative feelings on them because they did it to you? Like guilt, judgement and shame. Criticism. Disapproval.
It doesn't feel right to inflict that on someone, to drag them down to your level of anguish, but it also doesn't feel right ignoring your own needs, invalidating your own feelings as secondary to theirs. You are trying to exert self respect, one's voice, one's power/value, without damaging theirs.
Is it justice to hurt those you care about just because they did it to you first? Should you be a device of punishment when you feel its justified? Or should one turn the other cheek? Ignore the disappointment knowing that people are flawed and that's just life. Is it okay to give people karma directly rather then wondering if it will ever come to them indirectly.
Lastly, are feelings of regret, shame and guilt in reaction to a conflict not proof that they care about you? One would imagine if they didn't, they wouldn't give a sh*t or it would exacerbate the rift between you. So it seems that conflict can both derail a friendship but can also paradoxically strengthen it depending on the outcome and how you navigate it.
Is it healthy to butt heads from time to time to re-establish mutual balance?
Comments (14)
Sure. It wouldn't be ok to mimic what happened. Let's say they tell something you told them in confidence to other people. I don't think it's a good idea to do the same to them, unless you cannot continue being friends with them and you want this to be the parting gesture. But to express anger at them, tell them how it made you feel and potentially (but obviously not always) trigger feelings of guilt or shame or hopefully the vastly more useful regret, that's fine. If you merely express how you feel and what you think set off those feelings, I mean, you're doing them a favor.
That seems fair I agree. I don't think if one feels something is wrong they should do the same act in return. That would be hypocrisy because either it's okay and allowed to be done or it's not okay and you won't do it in return for that fact, but you will complain about what happened to you.
I do want to be careful. In many situations it may be hard to distinguish these actions (and the underlying intentions). I could express my anger and call them evil. Which, while not the same as their attack, is a bit of a stretch for a single incident. And then in the other direction, if someone hits me a number of times, I may very well decide that a punch on their shoulder is warrented. They just are not respecting my natural expressions of hurt or anger. I don't want to rule that out.
But I do think it is important to not allow the concept of hurt feelings or feeling bad to make two potentially quite different actions the same. Someone just doesn't turn up to meet me when they said they would could make me feel sad/upset to a level of 5. My saying, hey that made me feel bad might make the other person, who for no reason just decided to do something else, also feel bad at a level of 5. But it is not as if we have now both sinned/been disrespectful/been bad/harmed the other to the same degree or qualitatively the same. He or she disrespected me and did not consider my feelings and did not do what they said. I reacted to this naturally. If you brand me with an iron but are very sensitive to loud noises (like the one I make when I scream) then you need to look at your own behavior.
People call it gaslighting to undervalue people's clearly verbalised emotional state just because they don't feel its a justified reason to feel that way. Because if it happened to them they wouldn't feel that bad. But that fails to recinigses differences in people's sensibilities.
On the other hand people do put on a show to maximise emotional factor when they're trying to win an argument. They may not actually be offended/ hurt but will cry and say how could you say that? And that's emotional manipulation - the converse side of undervaluing feelings.
But yes, I think actions/behaviours hurt. But words also hurt and can even hurt more than actions. So the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is not really true.
Verbal abuse exists. And reacting to a punch by ripping someone's confidence to shreds and preying on their insecurities may actually be much worse/more damaging than the physical insult that precipitated it.
It's an interesting dynamic for sure.
This is where the concern for verbal reprimand comes in for failing to meet expected actions. Its hard to know when a criticism will land as a mild vocal grievance or a slap to the face/gut punch.
I learned about "sandwiching" where 2 compliments are interspersed by one criticism which softens the blow. Some people would think that uneccessary and probably prefer directness but I guess a good manager knows what tools to use where.
Bit off topic but on this note of name calling/ discrete definitions, I've found using a simile is just as effective in making a point without being accused of actually defining them outright.
For example: instead of saying "Youre an assh*le!" you say "you're behaving like an assh*le would/ you're acting like assh*le". Has the same effect but separates being from action and allows you to disapprove not of them specifically/intrinsically but rather what they did a singular time.
And it reinforces the idea that it's not who they "are" and one can choose a different behaviour if they want. It's a something of a small tactic but I found people are less likely to be offended/ you can never be called a "name caller". Because you didn't explicity name them as such.
But actually I don't mind being called an assh-le, in the heat of the moment. Or, better put, I mind it no more than. I am so pissed off. (I am not thrilled when someone is angry at me). It's actually a vague term 'assh-le' and doesn't really stick. I don't take such things literally. (It took time for this and it would be different with a salesclerk). I think we often view language too much as solely a literal information channel rather than also being expressive, not literal and not a conduit.
One of my favorite philosophy essays is Reddy's essay on the conduit metaphor in English. A metaphor or set of metaphors about communication that show us our model of what communication is.
https://www.reddyworks.com/the-conduit-metaphor/original-conduit-metaphor-article
Right subject matter, wrong analysis. When you make known that you're hurt by their actions, you're not bringing them down to whatever sewage you find yourself in. Someone has to call them out for their bad behavior. It's how you do it, not if you do it, that matters. Do it with class and finesse so you don't feel like your hurting them. Say it directly if you're gonna do it to them what they did to you.
That's a fair assessment and I agree. It is more a case of "how" rather than "should I?"
After all, if you don't correct people, they lose conscientiousness as to the existence of/validity of other people's emotions. In essence, if you don't contest the spoiled, how are they to ever recognise their actions as spoiled?
Its a reciprocal" give and take" scenario that keeps everyone in check.
Yes, use this principle for people you care about. Others, don't give them the time of day.