The Life Of Jesus, Excerpted From The Absolutely Newest Testament by god must be atheist

Prologue

In the beginning, the Lord died of a knife wound inflicted on him by his assassin, Friedrich Nietzsche. His Will was read, and in it was mentioned a boy, his boy, that nobody knew about. The boy was born premature to a thirteen-year-old mail-order bride from the Philippines. There everyone has always been Roman Catholic, so a pregnant unwed child is, though possibly not uncommon, was incompatible with the social acceptability of the era of the area.

The child was dropped on his head several times during the second trimester of the first year of his life (mom was clumsy), and got kicked by irate camels and donkeys. It's a wonder that the only damage he suffered was being a little meek for the remaining time of his life in this valley of tears.

The family attorney read up the father's will. Good thing, the little boy, named Jesus, inherited the Earth on a plot of land in the Mid-west, not far from McNaughton's Hardware Store in Newbury.

Unto you, a child is born

Jesus Fernandez Mandragora was born on July 28, 1997, just 138 days before his birthday.

On January 27, 2011, Jesus was born again. And so was he again on May 35, 2017, February 99, 2918, and on the Ides of March in 2020.

Jesus and the fishermen

Jesus wanted to become a neurosurgeon or else the chairman of the board and director, CEO and CFO for a mutual fund management company that was closely linked with a tax reform lobby which was heavily favoured by a multinational banking conglomerate. There were no such openings his area, so he just bought a gun, and walked down to the bay, and watched ships roll in, and the roll out again. To this day Jesus has been wondering how ships can leave safe harbor without rails to roll on.

Jesus saves

Jesus Fernandez Mandragora played for the junior leagues. He was a goalie. We went to several of his games. "Rooky Ricky "The Rocco" Boyter breaks away, he winds up, he shoots, HE SCO... no, not. Jesus saves."

Jesus delivers

The boy of course had to go out and work, there was not enough money to feed his seventeen siblings on the salary of his single mother. She was working as a donut chef at Tim Horton's at night, doing twelve-hour shifts, and moonlighting as toilet cleaner for the racetracks during the day for eighteen hours every day. Sometimes work clogged up, and she had to bring it home, mainly at fiscal year end, in order to be able to finish it on deadline.

Jesus had to bring home money, therefore. Sadly, his share of the sponsorship money for his team was very little. Very, very, little. In fact, it was so little that it was negative. He even had to buy his own water that he kept on the goal net.

So he went out to work. He had no education, no experience, the only decent type of job that did not pay less than the official minimum wage for the jurisdiction, was taking food from restaurants to people's homes.

Jesus the Redeemer

When the going got really tough for the family, Mary, Jesus' mother, dug into the old trunk in the attic, got some bond certificates out from the bottom. She gave them to Jesus to go and cash them in, which Jesus promptly did. Like a well-brought up boy with high moral standards he promptly returned all the cash realized from the transaction to the poor, the beggars and the lame. Mother wanted to claw his eyes out as they had no money left for the balance of the month.

Jesus comes back from the dead

One day one of his little brothers was hit by a speeding bicyclist. He rolled over the little boy, and the bicycle pedal punctured the little boy's skull. He was taken to the hospital, and immediately operated on to save his life.

His brothers and sisters sat a 24-hour vigil with him. It was Jesus' turn to sit by the bedside of his brother in the hospital. Jesus noticed that the machine gave a funny beep, and the little dot went on a straight line, no longer up-and-down on the monitor. He called the duty nurse. She came in, did her bit, and unto Jesus she said sadly, "You can go home now, young man."

Once at home, his mother did not need to ask questions. Just one look at Jesus' face told her the news. She broke down, sobbing, right in the middle of processing a word in her project to write THE Canadian novel.

Jesus sits on the right of his father

When he was three or twelve, Jesus couldn't remember exactly, his natural father was released from the penitentiary. He, the dad, headed straight to the mother of his children.

The deadbeat dad, who had served for he had beat his dad dead, was thrown out by force by all in the family. His release papers were left on Jesus' chair, with his duties, rights, and obligations, as the padre was now a paroled person. This happened right before supper time, and Jesus did not clear his chair before he sat down to eat dinner.

"My cup hath runneth full!"

Exclaimed Jesus during dinner, when his mother poured some cold water into his glass.