Sunrise by Benkei
After this morning's blossom of light
behind a silver white and blue, a flight
of rosy petals float through,
sometimes reflect or dampen on
feathered cushions of cotton.
A touch of darkness ascends
(or falls, depending on one's mood)
and lends the silence lightly weight.
I await the first breath of the world,
so soft and timid as of late.
My surroundings alight in the sun
and greys and blues are no more
than a living memory, where reality
and phantasms are wilfully forged
into a singularity.
Now I step lightly through this landscape,
along an avenue of flowering patina,
aware of an effervescence,
a slow wave called by creatures
in answer to its essence.
The shrouded destination matters not,
as this revelation comes when it must.
Perhaps in one, or sure-footed, steps
once the Sun is released
for illumination of my passage.
behind a silver white and blue, a flight
of rosy petals float through,
sometimes reflect or dampen on
feathered cushions of cotton.
A touch of darkness ascends
(or falls, depending on one's mood)
and lends the silence lightly weight.
I await the first breath of the world,
so soft and timid as of late.
My surroundings alight in the sun
and greys and blues are no more
than a living memory, where reality
and phantasms are wilfully forged
into a singularity.
Now I step lightly through this landscape,
along an avenue of flowering patina,
aware of an effervescence,
a slow wave called by creatures
in answer to its essence.
The shrouded destination matters not,
as this revelation comes when it must.
Perhaps in one, or sure-footed, steps
once the Sun is released
for illumination of my passage.
Comments (19)
Extremely beautiful. I love when a poet reflects the nature in this way. My feelings are weird because I feel nostalgia with this kind of verses. I mean, it is ephemeral but here is where the beauty is.
The rest of the poem is pretty too. Big kudos to the haijin. I loved it.
I felt good with myself while reading it.
Very, very nice. I like it a lot.
Quoting Caldwell
I like these lines a lot though.
Quoting Caldwell
Beautiful poem.
Quoting Caldwell
It doesn't bother me to be honest. What do you think is the reason mid-line rhyming doesn't work for you? Maybe from music you experience it as a syncopated emphasis messing with the rhythm you perceive?
Reading this, gives me a similar sensation to the poem Saying Nothing.
Both poems have had a strange but welcome effect on my mind.
A transference of soft, easy calm. Making one's way lightly.
Quoting Caldwell
Spiritual elements of peace and beauty. A welcome release.
Surgo in Lucem :sparkle:
I missed one and it was in the very line you quoted. :rofl: What say you? Any idea why this is a thing for you?
Yeah it might be a musical thing. I kind of read poetry for the sound more than anything else. Not that I read that much poetry to begin with. When I write song lyrics I tend to write by sound more than meaning, although most songs do end up with a meaning, but I don't set out with any meaning in mind.
What a poetic and artistic way to express your thoughts; the sense of awareness.
I read it again. To see how the words were 'assembled' to give the impression of new-found peace.
Quoting Caldwell
Visual, yes.
And yet, there is a gentle feeling or whispered hearing in the movement through the air.
Quoting Caldwell
It's both visual and a touch. We can feel a change in the degree of light.
It can depend on how we look at life, literally or figuratively.
Quoting Caldwell
Quoting Caldwell
This is beautiful. The lending is temporary, the silence is slowly filled, added to.
This sensitive poet has been waiting for this moment.
***
Quoting Caldwell
Sunrise. A lifting of the grey and blue mood.
The memory lives on amid a converging of the real and the imagined. They are all one.
The imagination is part of the body, soul and spirit.
***
Quoting Caldwell
I really don't know what this means but it sounds deep, even as the steps are light.
***
Quoting Caldwell
What will be, will be.
The way will be slowly revealed when the Sun/Son rises.
One step at a time until then.
[quote="Benkei";d14553"]I await the first breath of the world[/quote]
which interrupt the reader's reverie. I would have never guessed this was you, Benkei. :smirk:
And you didn't think it was me because it's actually nice and appreciative of life. :razz:
And to think I had you down as the author of 'Nailing a Philosopher'!
I always knew you had a sensitive side...
Exceptional poem. Congratulations!
Quoting Caldwell
Lovely image; I find no fault with rhyming, though I would prefer it be consistent.
Say what?
Wonderful!
You don't get to modify a noun with an adverb, even if it were not contradictory. Perhaps 'a gentle weight'?
I like this very much.
Surroundings do not land. Anyway, it's not a very poetic expression and there are too many repetitions of 'light', so maybe rethink the line.
This would be great, except for the word 'willfully'. If a conscious agency is required, and I'm not sure it is, perhaps 'artfully' would be better. Could maybe lose the firs 'and'.
Cherry or apple trees would be more in keeping with the rosy petals, as patina doesn't bloom.
I have a slight problem with 'creatures'. Up until that line, the feeling was of serene solitude. The previously unsensed creatures feel somehow intrusive.
I'd take out 'as this'.
These last lines sound awkward and I don't think they're necessary[/quote]
I do like it, but for the odd jarring word. When I first read it, what suddenly floated up from the depth of memory was a Paul Simon song https://www.paulsimon.com/song/emily-whenever-i-may-find-her/ (That's a compliment btw)
After this morning's blossom of light
behind a silver white and blue, a flight
of rosy petals float through,
sometimes alight or dim upon
clouds like feathered cotton.
A touch of darkness ascends
(or falls, depending on one's mood)
and weighs upon the silence.
A hesitant breath of the world,
so soft and timid as of late.
Colour bleeds like a whispering melody
and greys and blues are no more
than a living memory, where reality
and phantasms meld seamlessly
into a singularity.
Stepping lightly through this landscape,
along an avenue of blended patina,
aware of an effervescence,
called by hidden Luna,
in answer to her essence.
The shrouded destination matters not,
as revelation comes when it must.
How about a little nitpickery?
Quoting Benkei
I like this very much. I might suggest an extra syllable in the third line
What happened to the rhyme scheme? I like the first four lines, but the last doesn't seem quite to fit.
Whispering doesn't quite work for the meter or with 'bleeding'. How be: a 'wounded melody'?
Otherwise, great.
Slight confusion of who's who. 'I step lightly' could clarify it. Similarly with the last line. The meter seems to falter a little bit as the lines become shorter. But it picks up momentum with the closing almost-couplet.