Interlude by mentos987

Noble Dust January 01, 2024 at 02:33 500 views 26 comments
He hadn’t yet mastered playing the flute but he was getting better, it was enjoyable enough and he was getting paid to learn it. The new Sommarlandian masters had a long list of things they wanted him and his crew to learn in order to improve productivity. Swimming and diving were particularly important for the current assignment; even the flute would be needed.

He sits in a rowboat with two crewmates that he knows as Mort and Vildbjorn. They know him as Johna, although this isn’t his real name. The small boat is gently rocking in the waves, causing a lapping sound and a relaxed mood in the three men as the day grows late. If Johna squints his eyes and looks towards the sunset he can see a tiny rock islet protruding from the sea, on top of this rock sits the fourth crewmate, Loa.

They have been out here for hours, at first spending the time to get acquainted with the surroundings and to talk strategy. Now they are waiting. Mort has brought actual fishing equipment and is busy building up a small haul of fish that he plans to cook when they get back on land. Vildbjorn did swim around for a while but is now lying in the bow, his head resting on the railing, looking down into the water. Loa had swum out to her ambush spot about an hour ago and is now enjoying the last warmth of the setting sun.

As Johna continues his tentative flute playing he also starts reminiscing over the last year. Him and his crew had been together for nearly a decade now and had been struggling for a long time, but eight months ago things started to change. They started receiving a lot more letters from above and the variety of the communication changed as well. Where there had only been terse orders before there were now suggestions, requests and detailed information about the jobs. The explanation for this had arrived half a year ago, with an ultimatum. It turned out that the normal communication had been intercepted and that, for the last few months, they had been taking orders from new masters.

Their new masters are the Sommerlandians, a large conglomerate with the wealth, knowledge and power to exert their will anywhere in the world. They had offered to retain employees on the condition that they followed new rules and a new creed. Johna and his crew graciously accepted, having enjoyed the last few months and not wanting to go the way of their old masters, who had vanished.

“I see it.”, said Vildbjorn, interrupting Johnas thoughts and his playing. The ship they had been waiting for had arrived.

The current assignment had been handed over a week prior and contained a schematic of a ship, two vials filled with some liquids, a drawing of a fat man and a nautical chart for the local area, with relevant water depths marked out. It also contained a step-by-step execution plan, written in great detail, and a greasy metal cylinder, that had turned out to be an incendiary device.

The plan was meticulous, every step thought out and every mishap provided against and taken into account. The location chosen was remote, with the nearest village an hour walk away. It was also a predictable ship route, since the local reefs and isles forced seafarers to move in a strict path that was conveniently close to land. The arrival of the ship happened just as the letter foretold. The Sommarlandian had laid the perfect groundwork and provided them with the perfect tools, now it is their turn to earn their coin.

Johnas stood up, facing the small sunlit silhouette that was Loa, and started waving. After half a minute of this, she waved back and slid down to hide in the shallow waters behind the rock she had been resting on. The plan is now in motion. The first step is for the three men in the rowboat to act as an innocent distraction until the ship comes close. So, Johnas and Vildbjorn start helping with adding to the now rather smelly haul of fish while they wait for the ship to get in range.

Half an hour later, a person onboard the approaching ship waves to them and Johnas waves back. He then turns around and says to his crew: “Don’t let them touch our boat. We want to avoid maiming or killing and that will be hard if they get the chance to cling to us. Better to poke them with an oar if they get close.”

As the ship starts to pass them by they hear the incendiary device go off with a fiery crackling and an explosion of wood, followed by shouting. Loa had done her part. The three men in the rowboat had been acting to distract the incoming ship from seeing Loa, who had swum from her tiny isle perch on the other side of the ship, up to the hull of the ship. She had then attached the explosive to the ship hull right above the waterline, lit the fuse, and was now swimming away.

The three men set aside their fishing gear, don their masks, and start rowing towards the ship. “Pirates!”, “To arms!”, “Defend the ship!” and similar shouts are filling the air as armed soldiers are rushing to line up crossbow shots towards the rowboat. Other soldiers search for the source of the explosion, but they only find bad news. The shouts from the ship soon assume a more panicked cadence as the people aboard realizes that the hull has been breached and that the ship is rapidly sinking from taking in water.

As the rowboat comes within a hundred yards of the now half-sunken ship it becomes clear that any pretense of an armed response has been abandoned. Some of the passengers have already abandoned ship and are swimming towards land; others are gathering loose crates and other potential flotsam that they can use to aid with their swimming. Yet other passengers are clambering up the taller mast of the ship in an effort to get as far from the water as possible, a counterproductive endeavor as the now more top-heavy ship starts to list to the side, taking in water even faster. The ship rapidly sinks from there.

The rowboat was soon surrounded by debris and men, some of whom began to swim towards the boat, either too panicked to realize what they were doing or in a vain attempt to exact revenge. Either way, it did not work, as Mort hefted his oar and smacked any swimmers that approached them with it and a yelled “Sod off!” to ensure they kept their distance. Shouts of obscenities start to surround them; one kid is trying to straddle a floating barrel while screaming, “You sunk my carvings you thieving dog-faced cockwarts! I will carve you up!”

However, even the insults die down after Vildbjorn menacingly stands up with his crossbow cocked and aimed, and declares, “Gets yourselves out of here! We are not here to kill but we will if you ain’t swimming away!”

Vildbjorn gives a nod of his head to indicate their heading and the other two set about moving the rowboat for another 40 yards before reaching their target. Johna then puts the flute to his mouth, surreptitiously aims it, and blows a soundless note. The fat man, who has been swimming along unhindered, twitches as the dart enters his back, but makes no overt gesture of having noticed the danger. The dart falls out without leaving a trace, having injected its lethal dose. One minute later the man begins to spasm and cough, nearby guards swim to help him but it is too late, the fat man does not reach land alive.

With the main objective complete, the men in the rowboat set about clearing the area of people, the ones that could not swim were provided flotsam and told to paddle to shore. One kid had managed to build a small barge out of debris and was now swimming around collecting struggling people. Confident that most would survive, the three men turned the boat towards the small rock where their fourth member was waiting.

“Nicely done.” says Johna as Loa stands up and skips over to join them in the rowboat. Loa takes a moment to steady her feet and says, “How did it go on your end? Did anyone notice?” to which Vilbjorn answer “I think not, they never noticed the dart and the poison kicked in before he reached land. They will likely assume he cramped up and drowned.” “Time to sell the rest of the story and earn ourselves some extra coin then.” says Mort as they set about rowing back towards the shipwreck.

“Let’s start now. The ship is likely lying on its side at a depth of five meters from the surface, it will take us an hour or more and I’d rather use what little daytime we have left.” said Johna as they reached a position right above where the ship had sunk. Not much remained on the surface and the last crew of the ship were now paddling landwards on their makeshift raft.

Johna uncorks the two vials provided to them by the Sommerlandians and pours the content of the smaller vial into the bigger one; he then recorks and shakes it. The liquid instantly starts glowing and sputtering, but settles after a few moments, now emitting a constant white shimmering, the strength of several torchlights.

“This will do nicely, and they said it keeps for a couple of hours.” says Johna with an appreciative nod, as he ties the glowing vial to a looped string and hangs it over his head.

“I will start with securing the rope and looking around. Loa and I will then take turns diving to work on the door. The two of you are to keep guard.” continues Johna as he strips down and takes the coiled up rope that Vildbjorn has tied to the bow of the rowboat. He jumps into the water and dives down. It is cold.

But it is not dark. The water is clear and the light from the vial is strong enough to illuminate the entire side of the ship and its mast. Bubbles are seeping through the woodwork, reaching towards the surface. Nets, sails and clothing are dancing about in the tiny currents, having yet to settle on a final resting place. Schools of fish had already arrived to investigate this newly descendant giant from the world above.

Having uncoiled the rope as he descended, Johna ties the remainder of it to the railing of the ship and proceeds to swim to the door of the captain’s cabin. He looks at it and attempts to open the door with a couple of hard jerks, but it is locked. He turns around and swims back to the surface. They were going to need to pry away some wood and then saw through the metal lock. They had prepared for this; a small pry bar and a metal saw were waiting for him in the rowboat.

They would exchange gear, clamber down the rope, swim to the door, work on it until their lungs started burning and then clamber back up to the surface to have a brake while the other one dived.

All in all, it took him and Loa over two dozen dives before they finally had the door open. They then untied the rope from the sunken ship and brought it into the captain’s cabin, where they secured it to a chest. For the next dive they swam down together. They tugged on the rope and helped guide the chest up towards the surface as Vildbjorn and Mort started hauling it up.

A breath-catching time later, the heavy chest is pried open in the middle of the rowboat. It contains a small fortune in coins and other valuables.

“Almost enough to make me consider a change in career to become a pirate.” said Mort, leering at the treasure.

“Why would you? We are already double dipping as is.” retorted Loa with a grin.

As the glowing vial dims and the evening grow dark, the four assassins settle down and start their journey away from the crime scene.

“What is that smell?” asks Loa.

“It’s fish. I caught it for supper.” answers Mort.

To which she responds: “It already reeks! And I am not about to celebrate a successful mission by spending the night puking.”

Comments (26)

Vera Mont January 01, 2024 at 04:29 #867236
I haven't decided. Will need to read to read it again tomorrow. It's certainly an intriguing story.
ToothyMaw January 01, 2024 at 08:15 #867266
Started to really enjoy the story about halfway through. I liked how the purpose of the mission was gradually unveiled, and the fact that the flute was actually a blowgun was really funny to me.
Benkei January 02, 2024 at 10:29 #867771
Whoever voted a 1 is an ass and should back up such a low vote with a decent review.

It's well written but doesn't reach the level of some of the other stories and it's a tad straightforward. There are elements that hint at a larger, more intricate world, which does make me wonder (who are the sommerlandians, why was there a change in leadership?). It would've worked as an interlude in a larger story but as a stand alone it feels a bit bare bones and could use more description in parts. Because it's well written I feel I might have missed something on my first reading, so I'll leave off voting for now.
Vera Mont January 02, 2024 at 15:16 #867850
Quoting Noble Dust
The new Sommarlandian masters had a long list of things they wanted him and his crew to learn in order to improve productivity.


It's a cartel or corporation of some kind - mercenaries, assassins, saboteurs? - organized and professional. The exact nature of the job is left unspecified, but we get the general idea that this team is hired out and trained for whatever mission is assigned to them.
That the company is under new management is made clear a little bit later:
Quoting Noble Dust
Their new masters are the Sommerlandians, a large conglomerate with the wealth, knowledge and power to exert their will anywhere in the world.

In this instance, the assigned objective was the assassination of some important personage, which they accomplished quickly and neatly. To conceal the real purpose, they are to pose as relatively humane pirates, with minimal 'collateral damage'. I gather from the last part that they are allowed to keep any incidental loot.

Although this is not my favourite kind of subject, I would have been happy with a straightforward action adventure. But there is some troublesome anachronism in the reach of the conglomerate and in crossbows vs. submarine incendiary device and chemical illuminant. I could not quite reconcile with that.
The quality of writing, style, pacing, character and plot, however, cannot be faulted: all excellent.


Noble Dust January 02, 2024 at 15:29 #867860
Quoting Vera Mont
there is some troublesome anachronism in the reach of the conglomerate and in crossbows vs. submarine incendiary device and chemical illuminant. I could not quite reconcile with that.


This bothered me as well, but now that you say this it does bring to mind steam punk as a genre. I'm not sure if that's what it's supposed to be, although since steam punk worlds seem to generally be pretty fantastical, if that is indeed the setting, a bit more description of the physical world would have been helpful.
Vera Mont January 02, 2024 at 15:40 #867866
Reply to Noble Dust I'm not familiar enough with steam punk to comment.
Noble Dust January 02, 2024 at 15:43 #867868
Reply to Vera Mont

I'm really not either, to be honest.
ucarr January 02, 2024 at 16:15 #867880
Reads like a section from a feature-length caper. We get a bit of the team dynamics and maybe the corporate overlords will prove to be minor characters who stay in the background. Maybe the team rounds the corner of a narrative transition and opposes the corporation in a bid to win gold, glory and redemption.
Hanover January 02, 2024 at 18:48 #867953
Quoting Noble Dust
I'm really not either, to be honest.


As part of the leadership team in the steam punk community, I would be delighted to answer any of your questions about our people, our way of life, our clothing choices, and our complex post apocolyptic Victorian ideology.
javi2541997 January 02, 2024 at 19:41 #867986
I liked it and Jesus! I felt anxiety about all the action taken in the last paragraphs. It is well written and the role of pirates fight is well described. I also appreciate how the author used spaces and brief paragraphs to make the reading pleasing. Nonetheless, and this is not criticism, I personally think that some parts could be cut-away because I feel the story is very winding.

Oh, and I agree with Benkei on two points he previously posted: Who were the sommerlandians? I thought they were aliens due to this name; and yes, the folk who voted one... Should expose himself with an honest review. The quality of this story is higher than just one measly point.
Vera Mont January 02, 2024 at 21:06 #868035
Reply to javi2541997
Well, it wasn't my vote!
While not my genre, I think it's a good solid action story: has suspense, credible characters, mystery, ingenious plotting, a climactic event and an interesting ending that leaves it open to further installments.
It could use a little more polish, but it's a good story as it stands.
javi2541997 January 03, 2024 at 05:28 #868200
Quoting Vera Mont
While not my genre, I think it's a good solid action story: has suspense, credible characters, mystery, ingenious plotting, a climactic event and an interesting ending that leaves it open to further installments.


I agree.

I enjoyed the plot since the beginning of the story and the sequence is dynamic.
hypericin January 06, 2024 at 02:08 #869450
This is a cool story with what I see as issues in the small, medium, and large scales.

On the small scale, it seems padded with unnecessary verbal fat. I would prune a lot of the unruly wordiness into something sleeker and more direct. Trim the details, let the reader fill in the small gaps.

On the medium scale, the first half as another noted was rough. A lot of idling, reminiscing, and background, without much to hook the reader and impel them to keep reading. Thankfully the action picks up, and carries the reader along quite well.

On the large scale, it feels that the story is missing something. The story turned into an exciting but workmanlike modern piracy scenario. But why did the reader read it? Someone else noted that it feels like a chapter in a longer book, which captures the problem exactly. As a self contained unit, it feels like the story lacks a reason for existing.
Noble Dust January 06, 2024 at 02:30 #869457
Reply to hypericin

Not to be lazy, but you've basically said most of what I was feeling about this one; I've been meaning to go back over it and get into a more detailed critique, but this sums it up for me, I think. That said we're only half way through the contest period, so I still plan on doing my due diligence here.
L'éléphant January 08, 2024 at 06:49 #870232
Score is 24 to date.

The author can write, however, it needs editing and tightening. It is also anti-climactic. You get bored reading towards the end, but you already know the ending. I couldn't root for the men, and I also couldn't hate them for what they're doing because that's what's lacking in the writing -- some emotions for the readers so that we either want to hate these guys or admire them.

The author needs to practice writing with empathy. Otherwise, good.

I gave it a 3.
Amity January 08, 2024 at 12:52 #870287
Reply to Vera Mont Reply to hypericin

I don't think I can add anything to the points you make.
I like the blow job. Well executed. 3 or 4... OK, 4 it is.
Tobias January 14, 2024 at 10:42 #872145
Well... I gave it a 3 for the writing, which was good. It was however a bit of a pointless read for me. A very straight forward line of action but laced with quite some words. There were some quirks in the story, for instance killing the fat man with a blow gun out at sea in the chaos of a shipwreck seems a very risky plan of assassination. You are in a row boat, he could abandon ship every which way, but ok, I know little of assassination. A bigger problem is that, I had no idea why, why am I being told the story, what point was there to the execution, how should I feel about the characters. Not much of an idea really.
Jack Cummins January 14, 2024 at 13:39 #872196

The writing style reminds me of Jules Verne. I wonder if the explosion might have been better at the beginning and less of a linear narrative structure to the story to create more of an impact.
Nils Loc January 14, 2024 at 20:07 #872304
Reads like a role playing quest in a modern video game. A very straightforward action sequence of mercenary assassins, suitable for a screen. I like the distance between employer and employee, evocative of this bygone age of pirates. They crew is skilled enough to be indispensable to tidal changes of their far away masters and maintain trust. I suppose the treasure could form their payment but it incurs a whole other layer of risk and effort.

The booty must've been light enough to pull to the surface. I ain't diving to pull booty outta of sunken ship. What tough adventurers they must be, to do a complex dive excavation right after sinking a ship and assassinating a fat man. But they trained for it.

I agree with others commentary. It's a solid telling but it needs more to excite my interest/investment. I have to play the entire game, not just an interlude (demo).

Congrats on entry. Way better than a 1. Must have been the author who gave himself such a vote.

:strong: :death: :party:


Christoffer January 15, 2024 at 12:57 #872455
Seems like one chapter in a larger post-postapocalypse story in which society has broken down and technology is a mix of old and new. It's decent in its writing, however there's some problems with the narrative tense that makes it a bit confusing and leads to a lot of "starts to" and "began":

Usually, it becomes a bit of a struggle when people never do anything and only "starts" to do something. Not only does it add a lot of extra wording, but it also makes the action somehow happen "soon" rather than in the moment. So a sentence like this:

Quoting Noble Dust
Shouts of obscenities start to surround them; one kid is trying to straddle a floating barrel while screaming, “You sunk my carvings you thieving dog-faced cockwarts! I will carve you up!”


May sound better if it's written like this:
"Shouts of obscenities surround them; one kid struggling to straddle a floating barrel while screaming"

If it takes place in the here and now, then it's important to be careful with "began", "starts to", "is trying" as they don't read very well, especially not in tense action sequences that are supposed to go by rapidly.

While the events plays out as interesting, I was hoping for something more interesting for them to find, something connected to the assassination of the fat man or anything that made a point in the story. Right now it ended up without any clear point. A good setup, world building and intense action scene, but what was the point of the story? As a chapter in something larger it functions, but as a short story I think it would have needed something more. Gets a 3 from me due to the need for another rewrite pass and lack of point.
mentos987 January 17, 2024 at 20:24 #873080
@Christoffer @Nils Loc @Jack Cummins @Amity @Tobias @L'éléphant @Noble Dust @hypericin @javi2541997 @Vera Mont @Hanover @ucarr @Benkei @ToothyMaw

To those of you who were expecting more than a thimble’s worth of philosophical depth, my apologies.

I wanted to see if I could write a decent novella in the fantasy/adventure/mystery genre, so I made this to be an interlude in the middle of a novella. I thought I could make it independent enough to pose as a short story, I failed there.

From your feedback it seems I need to:
  • Write a greater portion of the text in present form.
  • Go harder on eliciting the readers emotions.
  • Learn that a short story is not an interlude.


Quoting Vera Mont
some troublesome anachronism

Do you think that knowing that this was fantasy would have spared you from being jarred by anachronism?

Quoting Vera Mont
Looking forward to it! If you can see a way out of refraining from both things I don't want to be guilty of: dishonesty and trashing somebody's work, I'm interested to know.


I want to know that I would write something broadly enjoyable, before I spend any large effort. If that is not the case, I would prefer that you guys mercy kill such aspirations now. :rofl:

Thank you for reading and thank you for the feedback.

Amity January 17, 2024 at 20:32 #873084
Quoting mentos987
To those of you who were expecting more than a thimble’s worth of philosophical depth; my apologies.


This is a creative writing event. Do what you wanna do and enjoy. I wouldn't let anything said here kill your aspirations at all. Glad that you found the experience helpful :flower:
mentos987 January 17, 2024 at 20:39 #873086
Quoting Amity
I wouldn't let anything said here kill your aspirations at all.

This would defeat my purpose here entirely. I do not enjoy writing. I would not want to invest the time if the writing is not good enough.

Although "kill such aspirations now" is a bit dramatic on my part. No need to fear for me.
Christoffer January 17, 2024 at 22:39 #873136
Quoting mentos987
To those of you who were expecting more than a thimble’s worth of philosophical depth; my apologies.

I wanted to see if I could write a decent novella in the fantasy/adventure/mystery genre, so I made this to be an interlude in the middle of a novella. I thought I could make it independent enough to pose as a short story, I failed there.


Quoting mentos987
This would defeat my purpose here entirely. I do not enjoy writing. I would not want to invest the time if the writing is not good enough.


No, you're writing was decent, I had one remark that I think you should check out further and that was the; "he starts to" "they began to". When writing in present tense it flows better and is more efficient if the characters doesn't "start to do something" and instead just do it, that the portrayal of the action happens instead of "beginning to happen", otherwise the reader will feel like they're dislocated from the events happening.

Otherwise the writing was good and as I also pointed out, as a short story it felt like it missed something in the end, like there was some conclusion missing. And as such I think it would much better fit as a chapter in a larger narrative. The setting was interesting and I wouldn't have any trouble continue reading the story if there was more to it.

So if you want to write a fantasy/adventure/mystery story, just continue on building it, there's enough there to continue. But do a pass of rewrite as well to fine tune it.
mentos987 January 17, 2024 at 22:43 #873138
Noble Dust January 18, 2024 at 00:12 #873177
Quoting mentos987
I wanted to see if I could write a decent novella in the fantasy/adventure/mystery genre, so I made this to be an interlude in the middle of a novella.


I think this clears it up for me. Maybe subconsciously I got that sense from the story, but I think I was expecting something clearer and more wrapped up. Not that there's any expectation that entries should be that way, but hearing that this was your goal (or prompt) puts it in perspective.